God cares about us in our darkest hours

A decade ago, I was in a lot of pain. It was not physical pain, but at the time I would have traded for physical pain, as that was something I could fight, something I could focus on. No, the pain I was in was much deeper. To many outside the Church, this story may not make a whole lot of sense. Each young man is asked to serve a two year mission in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have mentioned in previous posts that I lost my opportunity to because of my actions. Now, I was raised a missionary. My life was a preparation to serve, to go forth, to bring The Gospel to those in need. I studied, I learned, I worked to live the life that would prepare me for a mission. I read the Book of Mormon, I read the Bible, I worked in every way to prepare to be a missionary. I biked everywhere so I would be able to be a good missionary. When I was approaching 19, I began early morning companion study with three of my friends, I looked for missionary opportunities, I worked at the MTC, I talked to missionaries about their experiences... After submitting my papers, I waited for the mailman every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday... I wanted to go. 

December 21st, 2004. I was sitting at home, in my parent's living room. I was not talking, I was not looking at others, I was not doing anything. I just sat there. I stared at nothing, sometimes breaking down in tears, sometimes just staring. It was my day to report to the MTC, and I was at home. And it was my fault. My whole life, I had worked for that day, and I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Everything in my life had led up to that day, and it was not the day it was supposed to be. All I had were questions, questions to painful to contemplate. Could I go? Would I be able to get to the point that I could go? Would I even be able to find someone who could look past my failure as a missionary? Questions, pain... but no answers. Searching my journals to try to get a glimpse of how I felt; I came across this passage:

"...caught between dreams and realities, I don't know where I am going, or what I am doing.  I have plans and goals that seem almost unattainable, but somehow, I believe deep in my heart that I will get there someday.  Someday, when my dreams become the truth.  Where reality fades into a memory, and where goals become accomplishments.  Someday, a place where I hope to be soon, but I know, that as each day passes, it passes oh too slow.  Patience is what I need now, as I have in other things always.   Patience with others used to be such an easy task, but now their fallacies and follies seem to present themselves right in front of my eyes, only amplified by my misdeeds and problems..."

Now, I am not trying to dwell on my pain too much. I just wanted to set the stage for what I was going through at that time. Happiness was not a word in my vocabulary at the time.

As I was sitting there, feeling crushed, the phone rang. I have a friend who has this tendency to have other people prank call me. (He still does it to this day...) He has a particular fondness for missionaries... and that was who was calling me. I had a sister missionary from Salt Lake City calling me, asking if I was interested in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Now, as I was already a member who was going to go to work at the MTC the next day... I let her know that she had been pranked, and I was already a member. Not wanting to waste the phone call, she asked if she could share a scripture with me, and if I could think of anyone who might need to hear about The Church. I let her know I didn't know anyone, and she shared the scripture with me. Partway through, I had a strong impression that she was going to share a second scripture with me, and that was the one I needed to hear. She paused halfway through the first scripture, and asked if she could share another scripture with me after she finished the first one. I agreed, and she proceeded to share the following:

 27 Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success. (Alma 26:27)

I can't remember how the conversation ended. I can't remember what she said after that. I remember after she hung up, I broke down in tears, but this time, my tears were mixed with those of joy. God had heard my prayers. He had seen me suffering, sad and feeling broken. He saw it fit to reach down, touch the heart of someone else, and give me hope. "...when our hearts were depressed... The Lord comforted us, and said: ...I will give unto you success." Those words hit me harder than any scripture ever hit me. The next two years were anything but easy, and I never did end up going on a mission, but looking at myself now and comparing to where I was then? I would say success is a word I can use in so many areas of my life. 

I testify that God lives and loves us. Nothing is too small, too insignificant, or too trite for Him to care about. He truly loves us, and wants us to be happy. He will bless you with tender mercies as you need them. No, my situation did not instantly improve. I still went through several years of pain and inner hell, but look at what I have gained. I have an amazing wife. I still hold my Church membership. I have the privilege of attending the temple. I again testify of the matchless love of God. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.